Sunday, June 25, 2006

Offended, Reading, Change

Looked into my small stash of books today. Looking for answers, I guess. Or at least comfort. Picked out four. The Geography of the Soul, by C. Welton Caddy. The Priest, by Francine Rivers. Breaking Intimidation and The Bait of Satan, both by John Bevere.

Picked The Bait of Satan for now, but leaving the others nearby. I have had this book for years. This particular copyright is 1994, and I think that I got it around 1995, and read most of it then. While it was interesting, it did not apply to me...until now.

It is about being offended by others, especially Christians; and, not being able to let go of the hurt because of how deep the pain goes. He uses words like betrayal. At one part, he says, “How sad that we can find example after example of offense, betrayal, and hatred among believers today. It is so rampant in our homes and churches that it is considered normal behavior…Ministry politics are played at an all-time high. It is disguised as being in the ‘best interest’ of the kingdom or the church.” That is almost exactly what I was told; then and as late as last week!! Wow, Maybe I will find some answers that I need to find.
But the bait of satan is not about what happened; the bait is me putting up walls to protect myself from future hurt, and leaving them up. Whats crazy, is that I know all of this, have consistently prayed against it, but I have to face the fact that I may be there anyway.

I can tell something is changing, but cannot tell what. I know, for the most part, it is deep inside; but, there is probably much more to it. But again, it may be something as simple as where to go to church. I don't know-just going with the flow.

Not really sure about God's Voice anymore, just doing the best I can...praying, reading the Bible, and guessing. But I decided to go back to the last thing that I know for sure that I heard from God. There are many instances over the last 5 or six years, that I thought at one time was God’s Voice, but the last thing that I know for sure (or think that I know for sure) was maybe 1997 or so…give or take a year.
I was at Northrop. I was going through my morning routine. Get up at 5a.m. or so, get a cup of coffee, my Bible, and sit down. First, watch the weather forecast and sip some coffee. Then, turn the TV off and read for about 15 minutes in my Bible. That particular morning, I chose to begin in Jeremiah, and read at least one chapter every morning. I did not make it past the first few verses. I read Jeremiah 1:1-12, but when I got to Jeremiah 1:4-12, I had to stop. All I could do was cry.

So, last week, I read that again. Nothing major; but, I am meditating on it all.

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